The 12 Days of Christmas
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
December 15, 1972
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
December 16, 1972
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
December 17, 1972
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You are being too romantic.
December 18, 1972
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
December 19, 1972
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
December 20, 1972
What's with you and those silly birds? Seven swans a swimming? What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with the birds.
December 21, 1972
I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own >house. Just lay off me, smarty.
December 22, 1972
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And boy do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours!
December 23, 1972
You rotten thing:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call them ladies. They've been flirting with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you!
December 24, 1972
What's with those eleven lords a leaping with those maids and ladies? All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death by the lords and ladies and pipers. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
December 25, 1972
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chol