In addition to being on the best parts of Entertainment Weekly’s website, The Glutton is something I sincerely look forward reading each week and this week’s Glutton-age is a perfect example why. We all know I’m a tiny bit geeky but Dalton has managed to quantify that geek factor for the entire world to see.
Thanks, Dalton. I think…
One of Us!
By Dalton Ross
Season 3 of Battlestar Galactica wrapped up recently, yet no matter how often the drama transcends the science fiction genre, there are scores of people who refuse to watch any show set on a starship. I'm the exact opposite: a true sci-fi junkie. I'll check out pretty much anything that features lasers and people dressed in stupid rubber alien costumes, and I'm not ashamed to admit it....
Actually, what am I talking about? I'm totally ashamed. It's embarrassing as hell to be that dude at a party waving his hand in front of his face and proclaiming that ''these aren't the droids you're looking for,'' only to receive a group of blank stares in return. Such is the life of a geek, I suppose.
But misery loves company, and I'm fairly confident that there are plenty of other science fiction lovers out there, even if they don't want to admit that they're part of our exclusive fraternity of freaks. With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy (although really, shouldn't he be the one apologizing to us for all he's done?), you might be a sci-fi geek if...you own not one but two V miniseries on DVD, or if you understood a single word coming out of the mouth of the old computer-program dude (the Architect, if you want to get technical — and if you want to get technical then you truly are a geek) at the end of The Matrix Reloaded. Here are some other signs that you're a science fiction nerd, and remember, resistance is futile.
— You're undoubtedly a Dorkus Maximus if you have ever substituted terms like ''frak'' (Battlestar Galactica) and ''frell'' (Farscape) for actual down-to-earth curse words. Your intergalactic potty mouth should be immediately rinsed out with soap, or at the very least rinsed out with something manly like...I don't know. What do manly people drink, Jack Daniel's?
— While we're discussing beverages, if you have ever put food coloring into your drinks to make them look like the funky space cocktails served at Quark's bar, then you are most definitely drunk on dorkiness. Actually, come to think of it, if you even know what the hell Quark's bar is, you qualify.
— If you have ever at any point in your life donned Spock ears, proceed immediately to the end of this column. No further testing is required.
— Do you enjoy mercilessly mocking Jar Jar Binks, yet sometimes catch yourself humming the melody from the Ewoks' celebratory jingle, ''Yub Yub''? It may be time to take a long, hard look in the mirror...after you remove your oversize Wicket W. Warrick costume, that is.
— Speaking of which, if you have ever carried on a conversation that contained the phrase ''midi-chlorians,'' then the Force (of geekdom) is strong with you, my friend.
— I pray for your soul if you have found yourself in the awkward position of mounting a defense for The Arrival (featuring a goatee-rocking Charlie Sheen) with an argument that goes something along the lines of ''Seriously, it's not that bad. See, the global-warming thing is not our fault after all. It's the aliens, man! The aliens!'' (Not that I ever did that or anything.)
— Enjoy penning fan fiction? Go take a seat next to the Vulcan-ear posse.
— Are you able to decipher each of the following acronyms: TNG, HRG, ESB, BSG, TARDIS, and — this one's a toughie — CSM? Congrats, you're one of us.
They say there is strength in numbers, but I'm guessing most of us are not the pumping-iron types. Nonetheless, the next time you are mocked for knowing the difference between ''warp drive'' and ''hyperdrive,'' rest assured you have a fellow nerdling willing to get your back. (P.S. Hyperdrive is cooler.)