During our first evening in Nairobi, Hubby and I agreed on one thing: we wanted to eat meat. While chicken and mutton are omnipresent here in Delhi, beef and other exotic dead animals are remarkably hard to come by. Don’t get me wrong -- I love every one of you who have ever smuggled me into ACSA for a burger but it just isn’t quite the same.
In any case, in our desire to be omnivores, we had two choices of venue: the world famous Carnivore Restaurant or the new Pampa Grill at the Panari Sky Hotel.
(Rant Ahead: I hate it when people refer to people who eat meat as Carnivores since that would imply that they consumed only meat where as the term Omnivore refers to critters who eat meat and potatoes. End of Rant)
After debating our choices for a good while we eventually agreed upon Pampa as it was only a short drive from our hotel. The drive itself was educational as our driver felt the need to educate us about the dangers of living, driving, and simply being in Nairobi. As we drove, I noticed that a swarm of insects was ominously gathered at every location where an overhead floodlight drove out the darkness below. I was tempted to ask about these could-be locusts but was interrupted by the arrival of our taxi at our meat haven destination.
Not asking about the demon bugs was a HUGE mistake. Oh yeah, the caps there are warranted. I exited the car to find myself in the midst of this biblical swarm of what turned out to be flying termites. I could feel their tiny wings beating against my skin as I ran into the building for what I assumed would be shelter from the flying demons. Not so much – there were seemingly even more inside the doors of the hotel. We dashed up the stairs toward the restaurant, crushing the bugs beneath our feet in a mad dash for both food and freedom from evil winged beasts.
After ordering our drinks we were confronted with the salad bar that sat in the middle of the beautifully appointed restaurant. Now, this wasn’t my first trip to such a meat extravaganza but I was naïve and wide eyed at all the greenery and variety to be found. You see, the point of the salad bar in these Brazilian BBQ places is to trick you into being too full to eat all the meat they escort to your table. In addition to the salads, our waiter also brought an array of fries, onion rings, fried cassava (Hubby’s fave), and fried bananas (which were beyond to die for).
Onto the meat… Each variety of meat was brought out by a different waiter who offered us a choice cut of whatever was on their skewer. Seriously they carried giant skewers, I’m not just being a pervert. Go fig. Each skewer made a visit at least two or three times although I personally felt nauseous from protein overload after only a single go around.
The Meat Menu™ included five types of beef (the sirloin was seriously beyond yummy), crocodile (which tasted very yuckily of fish), camel (not bad), “fish” (which we didn’t try), pork sausage, beef sausage (the sausage guys started getting scared of Hubby as he literally salivated every time they offered him their skewers), pork ribs, hump roast (cue Black Eyed Peas), pork loin, goat, chicken and grilled pineapple for dessert.
Yes, I just said dessert. I couldn’t believe they had the audacity to have dessert on the menu. Who the hell could eat dessert, even something as simple as a slice of grilled pineapple, after all that meat?! Honestly, it was just sick to ask people to continue stuffing themselves to Monty Python-esque heights.